5 months

5 months since I delivered Daniel. I went to sleep last night thinking about the date -29th-.  I dread when it comes every month.  Just more of a realization that we lost our sweet boy!  As hard as I try not to I feel a deep sadness when I think about this day.  I actually felt the sadness last night but was glad that I hadn't started the normal crying I have at night when I think about him.  Now though with waking up to early and a quiet house I find myself at this place again.  Grief is just odd!!!!  Just the slightest thing hits the wrong way and it all comes back.  Yesterday after a sweet phone call from a bereavement nurse my mind started wondering and all the whys started poking back up.  One of the biggest culprits I face is  Guilt- trying to figure out what we could have done to stop this, guilt of not having a big funeral, guilt of not taking it easy more during the pregnancy, guilt of not telling others quickly we were expecting again with the dread of what others would say, hearing negative comments or smart remarks that go along with birth announcements.  After thinking we lost him early on I didn't think I had the patience and love to extend to those with  a rude comment.  Guilt is a huge factor during grief I get that.  I've read it before but still didn't realize just how big till these past few months.  Of course Satan knows right where to get me! I just have to remind him and myself I have already worked all this out.  I know God is in control!!!  My plans were not his plans but I just keep telling myself each day God loves us.  I am not in control he is and instead of tears I WILL have joy!!!! 

5 comments:

Tesha said...

I feel so much of what you feel....Guilt over almost identical things. Not taking it easy, not announcing my pregnancy, and on and on I could go. I am lifting you up in prayer and walking this hard road beside you. Hugs sweet mamma we will make it through.

Lynda said...

Today must be a grief day because I know two other people it hit hard. One was my husband. His dad died 13 years ago but for some reason, his last visit with him became very vivid which in turn caused deep grief. Another friend experienced the same thing upon wakening today so something is in the air. I have not experienced what you have - - - but am hurting for you because you are a precious friend.
And regarding people's insensitive comments, I know it's easier to say than experience it - - - but remember those people have to answer to Jesus one day for all their idle words. Keep your eyes on HIM when they assault your ears with their rudeness.
I am also sure you know that our Heavenly Father shares your grief as HE had a son die, too. The blessed news is both of your sons are praising HIM together...... but I know that still doesn't fill your empty arms. Hang in there. Friends are praying for you!

Tesha said...

HI I just watched the VIDEO powerful! I could not find the comment box on that one that is why I am commenting here. Thank you for sharing, and thank you for your encouragement. I am saying a prayer for you now!

SingerMamaMelody said...

Hi Missy,

I found your blog through Tesha's blog and just wanted to let you know that I am on a grief journey too. My little daughter Solveig Sofia was born still at 33.5 weeks gestation on February 29th. I can relate to a lot of what you write about on here.

I'll be praying for you. And if you're interested, you can check out my blog too.

Blessings,
Melody

SingerMamaMelody said...

And I meant to also say, I'm so sorry for your loss. Our little ones must have had an awesome Easter day in Heaven with Jesus.